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psychomania85

Newbie

Posts: 1
Registered: 08-09-2012
Location:

posted on 08-09-2012 at 14:44

Impartial, honest and logically sound opinions pleases

Dear all,

I’d be grateful for your opinion on what my course of action should be in the outcome of my marriage. My wife has stated her intention to file for divorce imminently.
I’ve tried to be exhaustive yet succinct to allow you to view the complete picture (within the limitations of an online forum post of course)

Myself:
28 year old Asian doctor working in London, UK but originally from Malaysia. Have lived in UK for 10 years now.

My partner:
28 year old Asian lawyer working in Malaysia (& originally from Malaysia) but trained in UK for 4 years before returning home due to difficulties in obtaining employment.

(My) family background:
In summary, a “broken home” in all but appearances.
My parents are still together but my father has traditionally and continues to use money (or lack therefore) to control me and the rest of the family ( 2 other sisters) also physically and psychologically abuse.
My mother decided to stick it out rather than leave as she wanted what’s best for the 3 kids ( gave up her career and stuck through all the abuse)
Me and my 2 sisters were allowed funded to study abroad in the UK. Whilst I finished my studies, my middle sister hung us all out to dry to marry her 50-year old husband and leave her course (deliberately choosing to ignore the potential threat of my father in worsening his abuse to my mother for her own gain). My younger sister is still in college.
Consequently my mother started drinking and has now become quite verbally abusive. The relationship with my father is now more tenacious but stable (thanks to blind luck that he cried he lost his daughter rather than going mad by blaming my mother).
My parents never liked my partner (as they viewed marriage purely from a financial/security perspective) and she would be unemployed/low paid in the UK she would require my help of a visa. (They’d much prefer I married a UK citizen in a highly paid profession). Love it would seem has been lost in 25 years of an abusive marriage. My mother is much more vocally so.

Our relationship ( marriage):
Together for 5 years with a 1 year break where I was fooling around but came back to her in the end realizing that she was my best friend.
With me stating my intention to marry her last May my dad initially refused (citing reasons about her family) & we had to call it off (as there was an implicit threat that he would cut my mother & younger sister off if I married her). He changed his mind in October so we got registered this April (small ceremony) with a big official one planned next April.
We’re currently doing our marriage long-distance with tentative plans for her to come after our big “official” marriage. I previously mentioned about my abusive mother above. She has become more verbally abusive of late (not necessarily foul language but things like: “Why shd my husband n I apologise to u! Get your crap out of our house n you should say sorry to us for strong your shit in our home! Get your priorities right!”)
My wife has had enough (justly so) and had made an ultimatum to me to cut her and my father off completely. My response was that I could not do this as although my selfish sister did this I couldn’t be evil enough to hang my mother out to dry for all the selfless abuse she undertook for 20 years to make me who I am today. I could however try my best to have limited contact with her but that’s about it.
Hence her wishes for divorce. Whilst I can’t say she wasn’t forewarned about the state of my family and their hatred towards her before our marriage I now realize belatedly that she perhaps expected me as her husband to pick her absolutely and cut off my parents, rather than straddle the fence (being screwed over both sides) as a compromise.
In my mind ( morals) I think I have no choice that I can’t cut off my mother (as crap as she is in treating me). What do you think?

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